Life’s Lessons

 Saying sorry isn’t hard, but sometimes it falls on deaf ears.

I have struggled in recent weeks to come to terms with the abrupt ending of a very promising romantic liaison. Someone I thought would be a friend for life.  No matter how much I wish or want it, I can’t turn back the clock; I can’t undo the things I said or did.  There is no ”do over”.

Tact and diplomacy are not my greatest assets (as many of my friends would attest!) . I have yet to master the skill of realising that I may regret, what I am about to say or do and holding my fire until I have thought things through. However this latest debacle has I hope, taught me a greater degree of precognition.

My apology may never be accepted, but I do have the opportunity not to make the same mistake again. I can grow and learn from this experience. To do that I need to stop beating myself up for my failure; I can choose to forgive myself.

Through relating to someone who was so different to the men I had dated in the past, my eyes were opened wide and I saw many things from a new and exciting perspective. Although brief, this interlude was intense. It gave me many gifts for which I am grateful.

Despite the cancer and the changes it has wrought on my body; I am still a sexual and sensual woman and I am no longer afraid of that.

I am dealing with my emotional distress without resorting to relying on food or some other destructive and unhealthy habit as my “feel good” crutch.

There is no right or wrong with emotion just what we feel.

It is healthy to set boundaries in a relationship, as long as I do it in a constructive fashion.

I know that I am ready to stop hiding. I may not be the same woman as I was before cancer, but I am still an attractive and feminine woman; who has much to offer.

I will with time, consistency and patience shed the cloak of excess weight I have chosen to hide behind.

I can’t hold someone to ransom for my past relationship failures. No one can make love risk free, nor can I ask them to.  It’s only when I am confident in my ability not to recreate my previous mistakes, that my past will relinquish its’ hold on me.

No matter how battered and bruised I am, hopefully I am wiser and able to move forward whilst accepting my insecurities.

 Enrichment Lesson 27: Always a lesson never a failure

Hell Hath No Fury

YaVaughnie Wilkins had giant billboards of a photo of her lover and herself erected in Atlanta, San Francisco and Times Square. The billboards had the words “you are my soul mate forever Charles and YaVaughnie” splashed across them. How romantic you might think. Alas this isn’t a tale of “happily ever after”, it is one of retribution which is far more likely to garner public interest.   YaVaughnie had discovered that Charles was still “happily” married to his  supposedly “ex”-wife.

Who knows what she was thinking and feeling? Anger? Hurt? Betrayal?  At least she was expressing her emotions, but are the billboards really in her best interests? Can revenge ever be productive?  Blinded by her need to lash out has she really thought through the consequences? Is this a constructive expression of her emotions? I think not.

The billboards reportedly cost US$55,000 each, but what is the true emotional cost? How much of her energy has been invested in hurting him rather than healing herself? How will this impact her future?

Picture a dimly lit bar in New York.

Good looking man saunters up to woman sitting at the bar.

“Hi can I buy you a drink”

“Ok”

“What are you drinking?”

 “A vesper martini thanks”

“Hmm don’t I know you from somewhere? You seem familiar..”

“No I don’t think so?’

“Hey aren’t you the woman who put up that billboard?”

“Ahh yes that was me..”

“Oh hell look at the time..I’ve got to go”

Well maybe she wont be sitting in some bar waiting in vain for Prince Charming to arrive, but you get the gist. How many guys would be wary of dating a woman who was capable of so publicly exposing their failings?

I’m not much into scripture but there is a line in the bible that says “an eye for an eye..a tooth for a tooth.”  Apparently this is often misquoted. Jesus actually renounces this statement and  goes on to say “but I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other to him also.” On this occasion, I agree with the son of the big guy; no matter how you do the math two wrongs never make a right.

She can’t change what has happened to her. Maybe she needed to do this to be able to move forward; so kudos to her for courage.  I just hope she doesn’t regret it in the long run. When she is ready to move on, it may be a little hard to leave her past behind. She may be remembered for longer than she would like as the BBB the bill board bitch, bimbo, ball breaker etc. Can anyone ever really benefit from publicly flaunting their humiliation and other’s failings? I doubt it.

 What about Charles you might ask? Doesn’t the two timing bastard deserve it? Perhaps, but who knows how it will really affect him. Maybe this stunt will engender him some sympathy and support. Given that Charles is capable of living a double life he is probably a thick skinned cat. How happy and fulfilled can he really be, living a life of deception? It would be exhausting. Sooner or later he will come to his own reckoning, we all do.

Enrichment Lesson No 26: Revenge is a dish best not served at all

Big Girls Don’t Cry

Prior to cancer my mantra was “dry your eyes princess and toughen up.” Shit happens in life, sometimes for no apparent reason. I thought you just had to suck it up and get on with things. The secret to not getting hurt was to be strong.

Now I know better. We feel, what we feel. There is no right or wrong when it comes to emotions. However denial or avoidance is never healthy.

I was having lunch last week with a close girlfriend (Mel). She is a  multi tasker on speed, an extremely competent and successful business woman. We were rehashing my recent relationship derailment. I was hurt and confused. Immediately I commenced my tale of woe, I burst into tears.  Rather than looking away in embarrassment, or mouthing some meaningless platitude, Mel said,“quick glasses on” as she slid her sunglasses onto her face (bless her socks). This gave me a moment of solidarity, I didn’t feel quite so alone or foolish in my misery. It also allowed a degree of anonymity as I continued to publicly shed tears. Mel has many strings to her bow she is also the mistress of appropriate social etiquette.

She sat and listened to all the thoughts that were scratching at the back of my mind, those demons that were tormenting me, relentlessly pricking me with their pitch forks. Under her objective gaze my perceived failings were banished to the realm of futile self flagellation and my entry visa to that desolate place revoked. She helped me realise that no matter how much I wanted to don my little Miss Fix It costume, there was no magic wand that I could wave to make it all better.  All I could do is learn and grow from the experience.

Why as a society do we place such value on “the stiff upper lip?” Why are we generally so discomforted by others pain and suffering?  Is it because we feel helpless to alleviate another’s emotional distress? Or is it because it reminds us of our own unacknowledged hurt?

There is no shame in weakness and vulnerability. The only way to move on is to let stuff go. To do this means expressing, confronting  and sitting with all the attendant emotions. This doesn’t mean wallowing in it, far from it; crying can be cathartic, (I have done enough of it to know).  Mel’s support enabled me to move one step closer to acceptance.

For all that it might feel like it, the heart doesn’t break. It is a muscle, so it can rip a little but eventually it will mend. The residual scar tissue strengthening our resilience, to the unexpected disappointments that life some time presents.

Enrichment Lesson 25: “The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.” Henry David Thoreau

Great Expectations

There is nothing like the excitement of getting caught up in the thrill of possibilities. It’s like being a child waking up on Christmas morning. Take relationships, I love that I can still get excited about a first date or a first kiss (I am with you sister Susan), no matter how many times in the past I have been let down. Yet once we move beyond the initial attraction, I find it hard to say or even  know what I truly feel in my heart.

Instead I tend to focus on all the things that I am afraid of, all the reasons why this couldn’t possibly work. I conduct scenario analysis ad infinitum until I am exhausted and no longer living in the moment.  What am I most afraid of?  Rejection. I constantly seek reassurance; a tiresome and exhausting trait.

Maybe at times I need to temper my expectations, as it is true the lower the bar, the less chance of disappointment.  However I think my interests would be better served by learning to live in the moment and detaching from the outcomes. I don’t want to give up the deliciousness of  dwelling in “happily ever after”, but I would like to spend less time worrying about the wicked witch and learn to be more philosophical when things do go awry. 

When people let you down or disappoint you, the most important question to ask isn’t “why did you do that to me?” it is “where do we go from here?”   (Note to self : I would actually be better off to keep my mouth completely shut at least until I have my self saboteur under control.)

The more you expect from people the more pressure they are likely to feel and the greater the chance they will disappoint you intentionally, or otherwise. No one wants to feel pressured and no one wants to feel responsible for someone else’s happiness and nor should they.

I am not saying that it is ok for others to treat me disrespectfully or not follow through on their commitments, far from it. However the only person I need to hold accountable for their actions is me. What’s important is the way I choose to respond. Reacting out of fear and hurt can do far more damage than the initial problem, my angst eventually creating that which I am most afraid of; rejection. As a good friend kindly told me  “No one wants to hug a porcupine.”

If I just stopped for a second to ask “What is going on for you?”  I don’t know whether the ultimate outcome would be any different. But the path travelled would be more constructive and  hopefully strewn with opportunities for growth and learning rather than an avalanche of hurt and misery. Maybe then the concept of a successful relationship wouldn’t seem so elusive.

Enrichment Lesson No 24 :  Sometimes it is not all about me.

I Dreamed A Dream

 

Good things come to those who wait. Or do they? As someone very close to my heart once said to me, “patience is an overrated virtue”.I am a big believer in being master of my own destiny. The trick is not to trample over the wishes of others, or be blinded by my fears, in my haste to charge after my goal.

January the 21st was the anniversary of the day that Susan Boyle first auditioned on Britain’s “You’ve Got Talent” (it was first broadcast on the 11^th April 2009). The fact that she didn’t win has been irrelevant to her success. Her story is remarkable tale of talent and hope.

A frumpy, middle aged woman whom the audience sniggered at on first appearance; achieved the biggest selling album for 2009 in the UK, US, Australia and no doubt many other countries in the world. People love the Susan story; I know I do. I was so intrigued that despite my lack of internet savvy, I visited www.youtube.com for the first time to view the footage of her performance, (this was when I discovered that it www.youtube.com not  www.utube.com!)

I love Susan because she was not afraid to stand up and have people laugh at her. She didn’t care that she is a middle aged spinster that has never been kissed (she and I have some things in common). That didn’t stop her. She was prepared to risk public ridicule and derision in pursuit of her goal and there are not many of us that have that courage. We prefer to play it safe. Susan is proof that it is never to late to go after your dreams; no matter how improbable success may be. People may laugh and scoff but you can achieve the truly miraculous, if you are willing to take a chance.

The exhilaration of potential success is well worth the risk of disappointment or failure.  We all get to choose whether we want to be glass half empty, or glass half full types. To a certain extent our perceptions and actions shape our future; be it in the arena of careers, lifestyle choices or relationships. Do we focus on what we most fear, or what we most want?  I know I have a bad habit of letting my self saboteur get in the way of my heart’s desires.

Enrichment Lesson 23 Nothing is impossible if you truly want it

Coming Home

I have recently returned home after a few weeks holiday in New Zealand. I had a wonderful time. Walking the Abel Tasman track on the north coast of the south island. Kayaking in a rich jewel of an ocean, a colour I have never seen before; somewhere between emerald and sapphire. Watching the baby seals frolic on the rocks.

I have walked and trekked in many parts of the world but none quite as beautiful as this. The weather was perfect; blue skies with a bit of a breeze. The tracks well maintained and easy to walk; alternating between dappled sunlight of the bush and exposed cliff tops along the beach.  It was a magic time and place, a perfect way to start a New Year that will hopefully be filled with new beginnings and directions.

Then back to windy Wellington, ( which I think should be renamed friendly Wellington courtesy of its outstanding hospitality and customer service). Wining and dining with old friends and  making new acquaintances. Enjoying the adventure of exploring an unknown city; wandering along the waterfront, eating ice cream in the sunshine. Time spent with no plan or destination, but rich and fulfilling in its own way.

However no matter how enjoyable the trip, it was wonderful to come home. I never used to feel that way. I would always be slightly despondent on returning from a vacation; no matter the duration, already restless to escape once again.

Maybe this is a sign of old age? This time I take pleasure in the comfort of the familiar; slipping into my bed the first night back; the caress of 1,000 thread count sheets against my skin. Rising the next morning to walk along the beach; watching the sunrise, the tickle of the sand between my toes, before the surf runs over my feet.

As an added bonus I can take pleasure in the memory of the trip. I have the chance to reflect and put these experiences  in perspective. Until that moment of return retrospection is impossible; I am lost in the colour of the moment. Just as the trip renews my joy in the familiar, home gives me the distance and ability to peer through the kaleidoscope and begin to ascertain the emerging patterns that are yet to be woven into the fabric of my life.

Enrichment Lesson 22: It’s easy to forget to appreciate what is familiar.

You Gotta Have Faith

Faith vs fear which is more important and which should rule?

 Fear keeps us safe. It protects us. Without fear of fire we might get burnt by the flames. This type of rational fear I have no problem with. It’s the irrational fear, the one that hold us back from our dreams that I want to grab by the scruff of it’s neck, give it a good shake and then kick it up the arse. Hopefully then it will skulk off into the shadows, its butt too sore to bother me again.

 I’m primarily talking about fear of failure. This is just another form of self sabotage. It’s our sub conscious, in response to our conscious desires, telling us “you can’t do that” or “you don’t deserve it.”

To protect us from the disappointment of failure, our subconscious prevents us going after our dreams, moving forward into that execution phase where we just might have to take a risk.

 When I was a little girl, like every other little girl; I thought I would grow up, fall in love with a handsome stranger, get married and live happily ever after. That’s what normal people do right?

Fear of failure has stopped me going after this simplest of dreams. It has allows me to lead a life of unexpected disappointment, certain that this is all there is. Anyone who has read my blog will know what I am talking about. I was the queen of disastrous relationships; picking only those men I was uninterested in, or those who were emotionally unavailable to me. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that these aren’t solid foundations to build relationships upon. Each time things fell apart I could comfort myself with the thought that “I knew this would happen.”  My little self saboteur would be a tad more blatant, “well what do you expect?” she would say “you suck at relationships,” “told you, you were impossible to love.” 

 Faith on the other hand is a glorious thing. It can allow us to achieve the most unexpected delights.

 The question to ask yourself according to Dr Robert Schuller is “What would you attempt to do, if you knew you could not fail?”  That is what faith is; knowing you can not fail. It’s not being blind to obstacles it’s being certain that you can find away around them. It’s having the passion, courage and conviction to believe in yourself and your dreams. It’s taking that leap certain you will land safely, even if you can’t see the other side.

 At the tender age of forty something, I find myself opening my heart for the first time to someone who is not of my pond. He does not fit my stereotype and as he says, “thank goodness for that”.  If I had met him pre cancer I doubt we would have connected. My self saboteur would have seen to that. His emotional maturity and capacity to give would have frightened me away.

 It is too soon to tell where this will lead. But I am dallying in the deliciousness of possibilities.  

 If we choose to pursue this I am not daunted by the obstacles we will have to overcome. Don’t worry it’s not a wife or a girlfriend (I have at least learnt that lesson).

The challenges we face are not insurmountable. I am certain that together we can find solutions. I know “I gotta have faith.”

 Enrichment Lesson 21:  You can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.

Days Like These

We can have shit ass good days and we can have shit ass bad days. Unfortunately yesterday was the latter for me. I have woken this morning weary and tired eyed.

It’s not  circumstances that determine whether we have a good day or a bad day, its how we choose to react. Yesterday a series of events tested my character and bought my flaws to the fore. An unproductive meeting about work prospects. A 45 minute phone call to my telephone provider and transfers to three different departments ending in no real resolution of my service difficulties. Running late for my training session do you think I can find the car keys..why are the never in the dish specifically for my keys (hmm perhaps because I never put them there). At training the humiliation of my trainer pulling my shorts down to just above my pubic bone, sticking her finger in my gut to make sure that I am activating my muscles. All I can think about is the embarrassment of my stomach on display, wanting to slap her hand away. Trying to learn a new series of exercises having to continually look at myself in the mirror hating what I see. Back home trying on clothes for a forthcoming holiday that I haven’t worn since last summer, only to discover that nothing fits…

Eventually I surrendered to my type A side and allowed that voice to replay the failures of the day in my head. “You are fat, haven’t lost weight, still haven’t got a job…” on and on went the litany of complaints until I just wanted to smack it in the mouth. I could have stood my ground and shouted it down. All I had to say was “forget about outcomes it’s the process, it’s the process. I believe in me.” Instead I chose to be a victim and allowed my self-doubt to hold me hostage.

I wish I had wallowed alone in my self pity last night. I probably would’ve slept it off and no harm would’ve been done. But no. I allowed my self saboteur to lead me further astray. Like a truculent child I decided to seek comfort from a friend, expecting him to “kiss it better” and “make it go away”. After listening to my tales of woe, he did wave his magic wand but it was not the one I was expecting. He chose laughter. This was no mean feat as I imagine he probably saw the appeal, as I had earlier, of a good smack in the mouth.

He was gracious despite the difficulties of his day and tried to humour me. However my bruised ego couldn’t handle this and rather than stepping  hand in hand into the lighter side, I chose to swirl my cloak of pride around me and pouff I was gone.

Self indignation makes for a lonely bed fellow nor is a gut full of remorse conducive to a good nights sleep.

Today is a new day and it will be a shit ass good day because I will choose to make it so. I will willingly eat my serve of humble pie knowing that my friend will serve it warm and with compassion. I like it best sprinkled with a dash of cinnamon and accompanied by a dollop of cream (low fat of course).

Enrichment lesson No 20. Rely on our friends but never take them for granted.

The Courage to Commit

What is romantic love? Infatuation? Passion? Chemistry? A meeting of the heart, mind and soul; a combination of all those elements that instinctively draws us to one person over another.

I rather like Dr G’s definition of love “a commitment to nurturing our own and the other’s personal growth.”  It’s hard to cling to the remnants of something masquerading as love when you use this definition. Love should be a safe haven where you can challenge and nurture each other with honesty and respect.

So where does passion fit? How do we know what is real and not some passing whimsy that will disappear once the first blush of romance has faded? You can have your cake and eat it too when it comes to passion and true love. The trick is not to get distracted by the icing. Often we are attracted to the frosting; we commit before we have tasted the cake, or considered if we would enjoy it unadorned.

I look at the couples around me. Some of my friends openly admit that they have fallen out of love and stay together for the sake of the kids, or because its easier. As if that’s all you can expect after the honeymoon years are over. Others are together and profess their love; but in reality lead their own lives. Focused on careers and individual pursuits, sharing little as a couple but worn into the groove of habit. Others are caught up in the bitterness of their divorce and are unable to relinquish the grip of the past. However there are a select few that inspire me to continue my elusive quest for the Holy Grail.

I had lunch with one such couple on Friday. They are celebrating their 29th wedding anniversary this week and are clearly still very much in love. Her eyes light up when he enters the room, his compassion and caring is evident in his awareness of her every move. Somehow the sum of the two enhances each of the individuals. It’s clear that they complement and cherish each other.

I used to get excited about every potential  new partner. I would ask myself “is this the one?” I would indulge in lengthy flirtations and protracted phone calls. Often I was reluctant for things to progress as I was hesitant to shatter the illusion of the fantasy relationship inside my head. This was far preferable to the kick of reality. Once the thrill of the chase had passed the words “what was I thinking?” often popped into my mind (and out of the mouths of my friends). I was too busy sticking my finger in the icing to notice the cake.

 In taking that leap of faith to progress a relationship the potential for failure is high but the greater the risk the greater the reward. I don’t believe that there is just “one” right person for anyone. There is no certainty but if you have the courage to open your heart, soul and mind, you can discover the select few with which you can forge a connection and trust that will continue to grow and nurture. The true test of a relationship comes in the minutiae and obstacles of everyday life. Those days when you and your partner see each other warts and all and are no longer playing the roles of Prince Charming and Snow White. That’s when you discover who is standing beside you.

I no longer wish to dawdle in the fantasy of infatuation as delicious as it may be. I would rather take the calculated risk of opening my heart and soul in the unrelenting light of reality. More often that not our choices may be flawed but in the words of Lord Alfred Tennyson “Tis better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all.”

So take the leap and when you don’t make the landing on the other side, pick up the pieces of your heart, dust off your tattered pride, learn from the experience and move on.

Enrichment Lesson 19:  Sometimes we can find love in the most unexpected places, if we look with our eyes wide open.

Friends vs Benefits Part 2

My second attempt at friends with benefits started in a similar fashion (refer my last post). I may have been 15 years older but I certainly wasn’t any wiser.

We had known each other for several years but didn’t keep in close contact. I invited him to a boozy Friday lunch with some friends of mine. He was going through a particularly nasty divorce and had just moved out of the marital home. He had also broken up with his long term girlfriend. The latter having a lot to do with his leaving the former.

By 2.00am in the morning we were still going strong. We used to share a house together, years ago. When he suggested I crash at his place for the night, I figured he just wanted company. In the cab on the way home he leant over and snogged me.  I realised then he wanted a little more than company. Hmm I thought it’s been a while between drinks and after all a woman is not a camel!

The sex was amazing. My first thought when I woke up in the morning was “My head hurts, I feel sick.” He then woke up and proceeded to wish me a good morning in a particularly friendly style. My second thought was “Maybe I don’t feel so sick after all.” I made it clear when I left that this was strictly a one off.

Over the next few days we discussed it and given

a)      the sex was amazing (best hangover cure)

b)      a woman is not a camel

We organised another rendezvous, I knew that there was no long term potential.  Ultimately I thought he would go back to his mistress, or his wife, one or the other. Let’s face it, how many guys can hack it on their own?

The sex continued to be unbelievable. Damn I thought why didn’t I know this all those years ago when we were living in the same house. I wouldn’t have minded so much about the toilet seat being left up.

However when it was all over, our friendship disappeared as well. I guess we both felt a bit awkward especially once he returned to his wife and his mistress.  How was he to explain our relationship?  In the immortal words of Ross and Rachel “we were on a break?” Somehow I don’t think so.

No matter how good the sex, no amount of skill can match the experience of mind, soul and body connection. Great sex may satisfy your physical urges but for me there is a sense of hollowness afterwards; as if my soul has been depleted rather than enriched. I may like, even love my male friends but if that desire that sparks my heart and soul isn’t there; I will never fall in love.

These aren’t experiences I wish to repeat. A moment of sexual gratification is poor compensation for the loss of a friend.

 Enrichment Lesson No 18: Once the boundaries of friendship are breached they are difficult to reinstate. Cross at your own peril.