I made some tough decisions last week. I am finally moving back to the city, away from the beach home that I love. I resolved to end my budding romantic relationship (more about that later) and I also decided take a break from group therapy.
I have not been getting as much out of my group sessions recently. I have been preoccupied with my situation and need time to reflect before I am able to share. I want to make the most of my remaining time at the beach and do not want to be travelling up to the city.
In the past I have pulled away from the group, when I have faced challenges because I have been afraid of their responses or I have anticipated rejection. I don’t feel that way at the moment. I just need time to gather my thoughts. When I do return, I owe my comrades a heartfelt apology for my unexplained disappearance but I have no doubt that they will be understanding and supportive, as they always are.
I had communicated my decision (via email) to my shrink but we had yet to discuss it. I knew he would not agree so I was defensive when I arrived at his rooms last Friday. Don’t get me wrong, my shrink is a great guy and I know he cares about me but our last session was challenging to say the least………..
“I have decided to take a break from group therapy” I said.
“I am concerned about you. I am not sure that decision is in you best interests. I think you are avoiding the intimacy group provides,” my shrink responded.
“Here we go” I thought ”how do I make my decision palatable to him?”
………………..
Attempting to change the subject I offered “Well, I am determined to sort out my weight. It is the one thing that I can control and do right now to make me feel good about myself.”
“Well” he scoffed “That’s not going to work, I hope you prove me wrong but you won’t lose weight”
“Shit” I thought “is my shrink channelling my mother?” This was exactly the way she would’ve responded; expecting me to fail.
…………..
“I think we should increase your medication.”
“No” I said, thinking “Christ every time life becomes more challenging we just up the meds? Great in no time I will be a fucking zombie.”
…………….
“Can you please remove your cap, so I can see your face” he asked
“No way” I said thinking “does he not know about hat hair! Next time I will wear a fucking sombrero!”
“How old are you?” he queried.
“What has that got to do with anything?” I asked.
“Well right now, you are acting about 14.”
“Great” I said “And how is patronising me going to help?”
……….
These are just a few of the choice excerpts from our last session. We managed to end it on a slightly less confrontational note. But I left his rooms angry and hurt. I felt disparaged and violated.
Since then I have pondered my feelings. A few lengthy D&M’s (deep and meaningful’s) with select friends, (including my beautician who always has interesting insights), provided greater clarity.
I am resigned to moving. I can now see it as the start of a new phase; a fresh beginning.
My relationship with my shrink is going through a healthy evolution. Although I sometimes find him arrogant, (which I never hesitate to share with him), he has been a patriarchal figure in my life. But perhaps I have inadvertently looked to him for too much guidance and direction?
I want him to be a confidant and support; I need to use him as “a tool,” ( as one of my cohorts so aptly phrased in a recent group session). It is good for me to remember that my shrink is only human and he is not always right. Irrespective of his thoughts, I have responsibility for my choices. Only I can decide what is in my best interests and I am ok with that.
Enrichment Lesson 48: Therapy may be beneficial but only a beauty therapist can make us look and feel good while dispensing advice.
